Funny Onesies

10 Things NOT to say to a pregnant woman:

1. Are you having twins? If a woman is having twins she will tell you. NEVER assume a woman is carrying twins. How would you feel is someone asked you if you were fat? Because really... what you are saying to this woman is that she has gained so much weight there is no way there is only one baby in there. It's just rude.

2. You must be carrying a really big baby. Please refer to number 1 because you are sending the same message across with this comment.

3. Your feet look huge. Oh really do they? Because at 9 months pregnant no one can see their feet. In fact, at this point in a pregnancy it has been a good 3 months since an expecting woman has seen her feet. Don't make her feel self conscious about them.

4. You have to breastfeed. No one has to do anything. If a woman wants to make her ta-tas milk jugs that is for her to decide.

5. You should try not to eat to much when your pregnant, you will regret it later. Humm...you should try to keep your mouth shut. Never get between a pregnant woman and her food. If she is hungry let her eat. When you are busy making a baby in your belly you can eat as much as you want. Plus she is not going to have time to remember how much she ate when she has a screaming newborn to take care of.

6. Are you nervous about labor and delivery? Are you an idiot? Of course a first time expecting mom is nervous about pushing a human life out of an area where the sun don't shine. Don't ask stupid questions.

7. You haven't had the baby yet? If you seen a pregnant woman and she is not carrying a newborn with her, do not ask this question. A pregnant woman approaching her due date does not need a reminder that she is still pregnant. She know that she is pregnant, she gets a reminder every morning when she is 9 months pregnant and tries to get out of bed and gets
stuck.

8. Are you excited? No she is horribly disappointed. What kind of a question is that?

9. Can I rub your belly? Can she smack your face? Why would you ask a complete stranger or someone you know casually if you can rub her belly? It is not normally to go around rubbing people. In fact, I think that is why we have sexual harassment laws.

10. How much weight have you gained? How much weight have YOU gained??? Did you appreciate that question?

Mom seeking Mom

Mom seeking Mom: Mother of one looking for a mom who has at least one child under the age of two to schedule play dates with. This mom must be extremely busy and live a hectic lifestyle. She must be willing to wear sweatpants and minimal makeup to play dates. She must not spend more than 15 minutes getting herself ready.
This mom must also have the ability to contain unsolicited advice. She cannot judge me for feeding my toddler chicken nuggets from McDonald's, forgetting to bring an extra diaper to the park, choosing to work full time, putting my daughter in daycare, my disheveled appearance, or for the many mistakes I WILL make with my child.
The perfect mom friend will be one who listens to me vent, says that she understands, and tells me my daughter will be OK.
If you cannot meet this criteria please do not respond.

Battle of the Binky

So it is time I admit to myself that my daughter has a problem. She is an addict and her binky is her vice.

When I was pregnant people would always ask me if I was going to give her a pacifier, and I always responded with "no, I do not want to have to deal with breaking the habit". I remembered my nephews withdrawal. The crying, the shakes, the mood swings. It was all just to much to watch. So I decided that I would not allow my precious little one to suffer from binky withdrawals.

Just a few hours after she came into the world my little bundle of joy would not stop crying. Oh was she fussy. She refused to sleep at night and needed constant comforting. And that's when it happened, the nurse recommended we try the binky. They actually supplied them in the vending machine down the hall in the maternity ward. A vending machine for binkys, we thought they must really work wonders. And as new parents we were desperate to make the crying stop.

So my husband made the trip to the vending machine and purchased my daughters first package of binkies and the addiction began.

My daughter has been on the binky for 15 months now. Her pediatrician, day care provider, my mother have all informed me that we must break her of this habit. I swear we are trying to get her to stop, but she is a strong willed little tyke. The first time I tried to take her off the binky was a disaster. It was bedtime and I thought I could get her to sleep without it. She screamed for nearly an hour with no stop in sight. I tried to out will her in the fight, but she was having none of it. I finally broke down and put her binky in her month and within minutes she was sound asleep

Then I tried to withhold the binky from her when we were in the car. I figured she could survive a short car trip without it. I was wrong. She screamed as loud as she could. After 15 minutes I gave in.

So I continue the battle of the binky but so far it is Toddler 2, Mommy 0. I will continue to try and break her of this nasty habit, but I feel there is no end in site. I am especially worried because she will be going into the big girl room at daycare next week. The room is filled with toddlers from 15-24 months and none of them use their binkies anymore. It's not that I fear she will be the only one in the room who is using a binky, I am more afraid that she will cause the other toddlers to relapse. I can just see it now....... Claire walks into the room with her binky in, the other toddlers eye it and start getting the shakes, then during snack time she lets them take a hit of her binky for half of their snack.

Eventually I will help her break her habit, but until then the battle rages on.

Mommy Has A Dirty Little Secret

There is a lot of pressure in the world of moms to be a "supermom". Magazines and parenting books have led moms to believe that good parents feed their children organic food, send them to private preschools, make sure they don't watch TV, volunteer at every school function, and a long list of other unrealistic expectations. The pressure to meet these expectations is intense in the world of competitive motherhood.

But the reality is most great moms don't meet all of these expectations. In fact, the majority of moms I know do not meet any of the expectations listed above.

Every mom has a little thing they let their child/children do to make their lives easier. I call these things dirty little secrets, because moms are to afraid to admit that they do them. I recently polled a group of moms to find out their dirty little secrets.

Moms Dirty Little Secret
"I tell my kids that if they don't stop I will take them back to Walmart where I got them"
"I tell my son that if he goes outside without an adult a burgler will get him"
"Sometimes I let my daughter stay home from school for no reason"
"I let my daughter take a bath in the spa tub so I can get her out of my hair so I can clean up or get things done"
"I let my daughter watch TV just because I want to watch it"
"I give my daughter snacks in the car so she will be quiet"
"I tell my son that if he doesn't stay in buckled in his car seat the policeman will come and take him away"
"I let my two year old eat cookies and jello for breakfast"
"I let my daughter draw all over the garage with chalk and then I clean it up before my husband gets home"
"I fake sleep in the morning so mu husband will wake up with my daughter and I can sleep in"
"I use the Disney channel as a babysitter"
"When my son wants to go to Chuck E Cheese I tell him it is closed"
"I bribe my toddler with suckers"
"I tell my son that if he climbs under the table spiders will get him"
"I tell my daughter her eyes turn grey when she is lying"

This is just a small sample of the little things moms do to keep their sanity. What is my dirty little secret? Well, my daughter is afraid of the vacuum so I put it in front of her bedroom door so she will stay in her room while I mop the kitchen floor. I don't do this because I am a mean mom, I do it because I want my daughter to crawl on a clean floor and I don't want her to run out of her room and surf across the kitchen.

I think it is important for moms to own up to their dirty little secrets. The pressure on moms is intense and we all owe it to ourselves and our fellow moms to admit that we can't always be "supermom". Great moms have dirty little secrets.

My Toddler Hates my Computer

Every time I sit down and pick up my laptop my daughter gives me a look that says "don't do it mommy". I smile and give her a toy to play with, which distracts her for awhile, then she turns around and that's when it happens. She sees me sitting on the couch in her room typing away on my computer.

As soon as my daughter sees me on the computer she gets angry. I actually think she is jealous. I wish she could understand that I love her more than my computer. But there is work to be done and on days I work from home I have to use my computer. I'm not sure when her animosity towards my computer started or why. All I know is that when I pick the computer up she screams and as soon as I put it away she is happy as can be.

So now I must hide my computer use from my toddler to please her. I give her some snacks and toys and then sneak away into the other room so I can secretly check my email and use the Internet. I hope that one day she will understand I do love her more than my computer but until she does I will continue to hide my secret computer affair.

Great Read for Moms

I was poking around the book section at Target when I came across a book that made me laugh. On the shelf next to the expectant mother books was a book titled "I Was A Really Good Mom Before I had Kids".

The book portrays the challenges and struggles real life moms face in a humorous and empathetic manner. At the time I read the book I was feeling guilty about needing space from my daughter. I love her to pieces but sometimes I just feel like I needed a break to get back to my old self. I realized this for the first time when she was just two days old. My husband and I needed to take her to the hospital for a quick blood test. My husband took her to the back to get her blood work done and I found myself enjoying my alone time in the waiting room. That is when I realized that every moment of down time, no matter where you are at, is enjoyable when your a busy mom.

I had envisioned motherhood as a blissful experience filled with love, joy, and happiness. I thought I would bring my newborn baby girl home and I would snuggle her to sleep at night and then have time to read a book before bed. No one had ever told me how hard the first few weeks would be. When we brought our daughter home for the first time I was filled with joy and excitement to finally have her home. I couldn't wait to tuck her into her new bassinet that I had bought her. She was going to sleep in it right next to my bed so that I could be there when she needed me. We would wake a few times during the night and I would feed her and then she would quickly fall asleep till morning.

If you are reading this and you have children you realize that is not what happened. The first night home from the hospital I thought for sure something was wrong with my baby. She cried all night and refused to sleep in her bassinet. As soon as we set her down in it she would wake up screaming. My husband and I tried everything. We walked her, sang to her, rocked her, fed her, but nothing would calm her down. This went on every night for two weeks. I thought surly there was something wrong. This was not what I had ordered, but there was no return policy at St. Lukes.

Now I have a darling one year old who sleeps through the night and allows me to read a book before a bed. That is when I finally read this book. I wish I would have read these stories before my daughter was born so that I could understand that I was not the only one who thought their baby was a lemon. Motherhood is a challenge everyday and the adjustment is very difficult. To any expectant mothers my advice is to read this book and to brace yourself. It is a difficult challenge but it is worth every minute of it.

Working at Home

I have the opportunity to spend part of my days working at home. This allows me to spend time with my daughter and to avoid the cost of daycare. But the older she gets the harder it is to get anything accomplished.

You see as soon as I start working on something and I get into a grove she is standing at my feet crying or grabbing my computer cord to get my attention. So I stop and give her some love, milk, food, or a diaper change and then once she is settled I go back to work.

I start working again and I get lost in my work and after fifteen or twenty minutes I notice that she has not been bothering me so I look up and there she is. She is sitting on the floor taking all of my husbands DVDs out of the stand next to the TV or she is sitting on the floor taking apart the picture frame that was on the shelf in the kitchen, and I wonder how she got her paws on that. So I stop again and clean up her mess. Give her some toys to play with and I go back to work.

Another half and hour passes and there she is running into the living room with a roll of toilet paper and make-up out of my make-up bag.

I am starting to think I am going to need to get a babysitter to watch her so I can work at home. I have to wonder how moms with multiple children manage to get an hour of work in during the day. I love that I have the opportunity to stay home and work for a few hours a day with my beautiful, mischievous girl but I can't help but to wonder how moms get anything accomplished when their kids are awake.

I make sure I savor every minute I get to spend with my little peanut because I know in the blink of an eye she will be off to kindergarten and the house will be quiet again. But until then I am going to have to continue working at night and during nap times so that I can accomplish the things that need to be done.

A Twenty Something Girl in a Thirty Somethings World

Chicago is a place full of twenty somethings chasing their dreams and thirty somethings that have achieve professional success and have entered into marriage and motherhood.

So this leaves me wondering where do I fit in?? At 27 I am still working to meet my career goals. I completed graduate school at 25 and was married soon after. I then became pregnant with my daughter during my first year as a full-time working professional. I find myself somewhere in between the twenty somethings chasing their dreams and the thirty somethings that are married with children.

It is a challenge to fit in completely with both groups of friends. My twenty somethings friends are out living the single life. They are dealing with the drama in their work and personal life that revolves around dating and gossip. My thirty something friends are dealing with the drama in their life that revolves around daycare, the color of their babies poop, temper tantrums, and marriage.

I often find myself indulging in the excitement of the dating/nightlife my twenty something friends have. I enjoy hearing the stories of the awkward first night with a new guy, the concerns about whether or not he is into her, and then the drama of how the relationship ends. I love going out with the twenty something friends when I need a reminder of who I used to be. They keep me young and hip and in the loop with whats going on in the world of a single girl.
And when I need a break and to tune into reality I find myself turning to my thirty something friends who help to keep me grounded. We chat about parenting and marriage and how to be successful at both.

You see you can't vent about marriage to your single twenty something friends because they will always respond with "at least you have someone." And you can't vent about needed a night out on the town to your fellow mommies because they will always say "who will babysit, what about your husband, is it worth feeling so bad when your baby wakes you up early after a long night out?" So I keep myself in with both crowds and vent to the appropriate group. I find the best thing you can do is chat about whats going on in your life with the friends who can relate regardless of where they are in our life. The best girlfriend to vent to is the one who understands and can agree with you.

The City Life....We Thought We Would Have

After my husband and I learned we were expecting our first baby we decided to move closer to our family and friends. At the time we were living in Boise, ID and our families were in the mid-west. We knew we wanted to live somewhere exciting, but we just weren't sure where. And then we decided Chicago was the place for us.

Who wouldn't want to live in Chicago? It is a bustling city with so much to do. Festivals, concerts, sporting events, great restaurants, and an exciting night life. And who could forget the museums and famous landmarks our daughter would see. The anticipation to move to the big city was high and we were ready to go.

I was offered and accepted a job in Evanston, IL on the north side of the city. When we first moved we were extremely busy getting settled into our new home and into our jobs. A month or two had past and we still had not gone into the city. In fact, several months had past and before we knew it we have lived in Evanston for 5 months and had still not made a trip into the city.

So we pack up our daughter and shipped her down to Nanas for the weekend so my husband and I could go to dinner in the city. It was great to walk around downtown in the snow and under the Christmas lights. It was that night we decided we would make a trip to the city at least once a month.

Well that was in December and now it is August and we have only been downtown for a social night outing a handful of time. My husband works right off of Michigan Avenue and we still have trouble finding the time and energy to meet for dinner after work.

I had to laugh yesterday when I met up with a girlfriend who was in town from Ohio. She was telling me all about her weekend. She had visited Millennium Park, Shedds, and the John Hancock building. All places I said we would go, but I was embarrassed to admit that we have lived here for a year and have never been to any of those locations.

It is hard to find the time to take advantage of the city life when you live here. I suspect it is that way for most people living in a tourist town. It is so easy to say you do not have the time to see the sights when you can do it anytime. I guess when you travel and know you only have a few days to experience the city you make an effort to take full advantage of it.

So today I make another promise to myself. To take advantage of all Chicago has to offer and to start living like a tourist.